@3sunzzz: Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I'm just curious, what color were you expecting?
@fizzlestothetop: Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself.
@CaniacMONK: My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
@AHundredElbows: [at pet store]
"This tortoise's shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?"
"No, it happens. It's just a reptile dysfunction."
@simoncholland: My daughter put a horse's head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
@briangaar: Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I'm gonna take a pass