Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
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Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
just got my engagement photos
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’