Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
This makes total sense…
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”