@JesKeepSwimming: "So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT." - What not to say on a first date.

@EndhooS: If you legally change your name to 'You're Free to Go' then it's impossible to get arrested.

@Love_bug1016: Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around? Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

@sir_shithead_I: *Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail* I'm not going to this shit, that's what Facebook is for. *reads 'open bar'* Aaaand I'm in.

@TheTweetOfGod: My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser