@jewfacekilla: "Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!"- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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@juliussharpe: Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
@iwearaonesie: wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this me: Tastes like hand sanitizer wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer? me: Yeah wife me wife me: Why?
@MrEd_EVH: *runs into long lost friend* Him- I started out on the bottom now I'm a district MGR. what do you do? Me- I disappoint people