@jewfacekilla: "Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!"- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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@iwearaonesie: trainer: Why are you here? everyone else: To get fit! me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
@VerbsRProudest: Never answer knocking at your door. It's always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
@zwina_summer: Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he's on his way home from work.