Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
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Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
still the best tweet of the year by far
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.