“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Mummies are just super modest zombies
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me in tagged photos
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I…do not understand how electricity works.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
the short answer to this question
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.