Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My dress code is business-casualty.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family