Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.