Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*