@LuvPug: Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
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@jonnysun: ur honor, i call GOD as my witness *jury gasps* *nothimg happens* *slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands* damit no Gary sit down
@AwkwardComedy: "Password is incorrect" *resets password* "New password cannot be the same as the old password"
@mrtruthandsoul: I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
@JimNorton: I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.