@LuvPug: Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
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@shopkins776: *hand grenades* *blow torch* *AK 47* *sulfuric acid* *ninja training* My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.
@sameverlark_: Joe: Hey Barack, why does Trump wanna ban preshredded cheese Barack: Joe please Joe: TO MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN Barack: I swear to God
@jimmy_sharpe: Ever accidentally say 'I love you' to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.