Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
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The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?