[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
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It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit