[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”