What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk