I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
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I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door