Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.