Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
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interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
me logging onto twitter
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I have so many questions.
How high do the levels go?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Oh deer
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Cats are still liquid.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Word!
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another