“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Does it…does it take 3 days
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
doing some research
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people