“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
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My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
#dalle2