“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
You Might Also Like
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home