@meat_tornado_: write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead
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@davidbfunny: Dear waiter, You messed up my order because you didn't write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip. Love, David
@iwearaonesie: Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife's foot is "I'm sorry" not "I guess that means no sex tonight"
@AngrEdmontonian: Apparently, "Step up your game" isn't the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
@theshantilly: Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago. Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?