Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
You Might Also Like
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
When you’re here for the treats.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
this makes me so uncomfortable
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.