John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The dark side of Canada
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh