My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭