WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
You Might Also Like
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that