Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
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People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.