I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.