Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.