Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Cake!!
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Sometimes? I’m slipping