Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
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“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Cha-ching is my safe word
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
The answer is funnier than the question
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.