Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ