*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
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[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.