*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
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I feel seen
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky