*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
🤣
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
The options really are this bad
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]