*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
repaired
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.