*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I’m aging like a fine banana
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Big Sex has us all fooled
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.