*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.