Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My wife has the worst taste in men.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.