*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Haha! 😂
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Rooting for the overdog
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?