@liv_thatsme: *writes kid's name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*
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@samuelhlowe: - Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on? - That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?
@myonlymizztake: My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.
@chuuew: Isn't it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn't think so but that's what my new best friend is telling security
@ChrisHallbeck: Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?” *flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand* Me: “Stuff.”