guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
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[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
what it’s like dating me: