*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
i wish i could marry a nap
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it