[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I’m good, thanks.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me