MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
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This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐