@NicestHippo: *writes "with my squad" under a picture of me and several cats"
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@sacha_is_good: "If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@radtoria: "Penguins mate for life. Isn't that romantic?" You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it. "You're my penguin."
@JWilsonGA: Wife: I'm making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want? Me: Bacon. Wife: And? Me: *blank stare* Wife: AND? Me: A napkin?
@rationalists: Republicans say they're not satisfied with Michele Obama's speech because she didn't give it from her kitchen.