Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
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Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?