M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
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kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
couldn’t resist
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I need better friends
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever