Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.