Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
What in the hipster hell is going on here
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
🤔😂😂
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.