Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
(True)
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night