@MooseAllain: Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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@ArfMeasures: *burst into doctor's office* ME: I'm no longer canstopetid DOCTOR: You mean constipated ME: No I've had a vowel movement DOCTOR: Get out
@baycontaco: Smartphones don't prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature. I just walked into a tree.
@DopeyTweeter: Me: Your baby looks funny. Her: That's my dog. M: Yeah.. uh huh. H: ... M: I'd tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.
@Eric_Bader: Isn't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.