That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers