@ABurgerADay: Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Me: Good night, moon. [30 mins later] Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren't you reading my messages?
@CanadianCyn: The garbage man is late. I think he's been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.