Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
FINE, I WON’T.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
uncle dave has been through hell
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.