Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
the official breakfast of 2021
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Ah..makes sense now
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*