Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*bites zombie*
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.