(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Ugh
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?